Wonder Woman/Super Man – what’s so great about them anyway?

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This post is inspired by a patient I have, we’ll call her Jane. In reality the patient I met today is like so many that I have, and your doctor has, met before. It could easily be John, or Jenny, or Jeff.

Jane is in a cycle of trying to care for family members and hold everyone together, but the cracks are starting to show. The strain of being everything to everyone is leaving little time to tend to her own needs. Her stress levels are through the roof, she isn’t sleeping well at the moment, her appetite is a little off, she is struggling to focus at work and feels like she is on the verge of tears or anger most of the time. Sound familiar?

It’s not Jane’s fault, she is doing what she knows best. She is trying to support her family whilst being a productive colleague, a good friend, a good spouse… She’s trying to be Wonder Woman and she’s mad at herself because she is struggling. She berates herself for not being “strong enough” and that she “needs to snap out of it” but try as she might, she doesn’t see how she can.

I talked with Jane about imagining ourselves in a house. For any house you need a solid foundation, and that foundation is our sense of self.  The walls of the house our are natural defences to protect us from the storms of life. Repeated adverse life events or stressors, just like a real storm, can chip away at the walls of the house, they might even break the windows.

If our house is built on solid foundations, and we have developed coping strategies that are effective for us then we can weather those storms. If our defences are low – perhaps we have lots of stressful things happening at the same time which are rocking the walls of our house, or our foundations are built on shallow ground, then our house is going to start tumbling down.

Without the house to protect us, we are exposed to the harsh realities in life.

This is where I found Jane today. Her walls are tumbling in, she is trying desperately to barricade the doors and windows but she cannot keep up with the demands that life is throwing at her. Simply put, she cannot be everything to everyone. She is not Wonder Woman.

Fortifying our proverbial houses is tough, especially as we often have to try and fight these fires whilst carrying on with our normal lives.
The first step is acceptance. Accept that you cannot do everything.

“Serenity is accepting the things we cannot change,

courage to change the things I can and

wisdom to know the difference”. 

Acceptance does not mean berating yourself for weakness. It is not a flaw to accept that you need help or that you are struggling. It takes strength of character to stand up and say to someone you need some support.

Next comes rebuilding. For those in caring roles this can be especially challenging. As a carer your focus is inherently on those your care for. Shifting your focus back to you can be unsettling, upsetting and hard to do. However to care for another in the way you want to, you have to be able to care for yourself.

One of my favourite analogies (and I have plenty) relates to a broken leg. If you have a broken leg, society at large knows how to react. They can see the plaster cast and the crutches, they can mentally apportion the right amount of sympathy and understanding. Bones heal, the injury is visible, and it’s much easier for people to get their head around.

Stress, burn-out, depression and anxiety all have few outwards signs. Unfortunately a stigma can still exist around these problems and society can sometimes feel unsure about how to ‘handle’ someone who is suffering. But just because it isn’t visible, and just because it isn’t physical, doesn’t make the problem any less real or relevant.

To rebuild takes time. Patience. Support. Effort. It isn’t easy. Remember that a difficult path can sometimes lead to beautiful destinations.

Talking therapies such as counselling and CBT should never be overlooked or dismissed. Having someone else, impartial to your situation, help you to talk through your current troubles can be a real life saver – and can help to set you up for your future.

Some patients might need medication from their GP. I would always encourage anyone who is facing difficulties in their life that are starting to overwhelm them to speak with their doctor.

Part of rebuilding is learning about yourself. Really understanding yourself is the key to your success. What are your warning signs that things are getting too much? What can you do when those signs start to appear? What strategies to do have to protect that proverbial house?

Whatever it might be, find what re-centers you. It might be yoga or meditation, it might be catching up with an old friend, watching a favourite film, reading a book, going for a run or taking the dog for a walk.  As long as its a positive action – that doesn’t mean opening a bottle of wine or similar.

Exercise can be an incredibly powerful tool at boosting how we’re feeling when we’re struggling. Physical activity is not only good for our physical health but for our mental health too. Not only does it increase endorphins that help promote good feelings, but it also can help with issues such as insomnia.

Being you is enough. You don’t need to be Super Man or Wonder Woman. Besides, they wore their pants over their clothes, and when you stop and think about it, what’s so great about that anyway?

 

 

 

“All that I am, or ever hope to be, I owe to my Mother”

It’s Mother’s Day today in the UK and this gives us a chance to show our mums how much they mean to us – whether they are still with us or not. There is an undeniable connection to your mother, no matter what is going on in life.

As babies we are conditioned to bond to the person who provides us with the most care – this can be our mother, father or anyone that provides us the majority of our care. This bond is what psychologists call ‘Attachment Theory’. It’s a biological instinct where we equate our safety with being close to this person and that this person will take away our discomfort and protect us.

We don’t know about you, but that definitely describes our mums.

 

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In honour of our mums, we wanted to share some of the most valuable lessons we have learnt from them:

 

“Grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference”.

This was something we had on an ornament in our house growing up – and it followed us from house to house and has always stuck with me. Learning to let go and move on, or dig in and work hard are crucial life skills we all need.

 

“When driving, you don’t have to run a race”

When someone approaches in your rear view mirror, whether it be in the car or in life in general, you can choose to put your foot down or carry on at your own pace. Life is not a race or a competition. Enjoy the journey and don’t put your foot down and miss the beauty and opportunities around you.

 

“Never let the sun set on an argument”

A quote taken from Ephesians 4:26, in the heat of a disagreement it can be hard to reach resolution. Feelings of anger or resentment can be destructive if not handled properly, both to our physical and emotional health, but also can have a wide reaching impact on our relationships and careers.

 

“You are in charge of your own feelings”

This would often come during a typical teenage temper tantrum and mum would tell me that I was in charge of how I felt. At the time, I never understood it, but as I have got older it makes sense. Yes, a certain event or circumstance may trigger emotions e.g. an argument might make us angry, but we are in charge of how we deal with that anger. Do we bottle it up, or do we move on and resolve and forgive? You are in control of how you handle and react to your feelings.

 

“If you can’t do it, learn to do it”

If there was something I wasn’t able to do, mum would always work out if there was a way to learn it. She always believed education, in all it’s forms, was the way to improve oneself. As doctors, we are somewhat infamous for our poor handwriting, but even growing up my handwriting was questionable. So mum would keep buying me handwriting books to try and practice and improve. When we come up against something we struggle with, we are faced with two options: we can give up, or we can adapt and work through it, and it was my mum taught me that we didn’t give up.

 

“One day you’ll thank me”

They were right. We’re incredibly thankful for all they have done and taught us. Abraham Lincoln told us that “All that I am, or ever hope to be, I owe to my Mother”, and we’re inclined to agree.

 

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